Kakashi's Answering Machine
by AnimateObsessive
Summary: Kakashi receives a series of drunken messages from Sakura.


Kakashi rolled over in bed, frowning at the sound of a ringing phone.

 _Who the hell is that?_ he wondered bitterly.

At this time of night, everyone in the village should be asleep. In fact, at this time of night, everyone in the _world_ should be asleep. Including Kakashi Hatake. But apparently the very man, plus one other person, had never been informed of the value of slumber. Groaning, Kakashi sat up in bed. If it was Naruto calling to talk about a dream he'd had, most likely concerning ramen, he was going to kill him. And then he was going to travel back in time and kill whoever had invented telephones, just for good measure.

Kakashi reached for the phone, angry words crowding into his sleep-deprived brain. He wished he'd never been talked into purchasing one, for this exact reason. However, halfway to the device, he stopped. The rings echoing in his ears, he shook his head. He wasn't going to play whatever ridiculous game Naruto had in mind. He _needed sleep_ , the phone was preventing sleep. The obvious solution was to ignore the phone. If Naruto was that frantic to discuss flying ramen monsters again, he could leave a message that Kakashi would promptly delete. Withdrawing his hand, Kakashi pressed the pillow against his ears and slid back under the covers.

Somehow, despite being woken by the phone, Kakashi fell back asleep in a matter of seconds. When he awoke, sunlight was streaming through the bedroom window. If he had been anyone else, he would have assumed he had awoken to a bright morning. But since he was Kakashi Hatake, he realized at once that it must be nearer to afternoon. Regardless, he sat up in bed and stretched. Despite the interruption of the phone, he'd had a decent sleep. A few dreams, most of them revolving around Make-Out Paradise, lingered in his mind. Shaking his head, he turned to the device next to his bed.

The light on the bulky answering machine was flashing. Apparently Naruto _had_ left a message. Kakashi contemplated unplugging the answering machine and throwing it out the window, his usual response whenever someone decided to bother him in this way. But he decided against it after a moment. As satisfying as it would be to do this, he didn't want to spend a good half of the day trying to purchase a brand new answering machine which would eventually meet the same fate. It was supposed to be his day off, after all. Kakashi leaned over to get a better look at the answering machine. He scowled as his eyes drifted to the readout next to the light.

 _That many messages?_ he thought, shocked.

Either Naruto had gone drinking again or the machine was malfunctioning. The latter seemed plausible, seeing as Sakura had smashed said answering machine against the wall less than two days ago in an act of violent frustration. Curious, Kakashi pressed the button underneath the light to play back the messages.

The first message opened on the sound of loud, fashionable music, the kind that made Kakashi dislike the younger generation with an almost fiery passion. The sound of pounding bass dominated for a moment, before a woman's voice began speaking over it.

" _Hey, Kakashi. It's...um….you know. That woman you're sleeping with. The one with the great ass you looooooooove to squeeze…."_

The voice belonged to Sakura, and she sounded intoxicated beyond reason. Kakashi sighed, wishing she wasn't in the habit of frequenting clubs. He greatly disliked clubs, especially the kind that served colored animal urine and referred to it as "alcohol". He thought they were too noisy and uptight. What Sakura saw in them he would never comprehend.

" _Anyway, do you think you can….um...pick me up? I drove here with Ino, but she kinda left with a guy and I don't know if she's coming back. So if you could just pick me up, that'd be...awesome."_

A quiet giggle and the message ended.

 _Couldn't she ask Naruto-kun to pick her up?_ Kakashi wondered.

He naturally wouldn't have minded doing so, but Sakura usually called on Naruto when she needed a ride.

After the first message ended, the second began playing automatically. This time the music was a bit softer, but still just as off-putting. Kakashi could hear the faint clink of glasses in the background, as well as obnoxious laughter and shouting. He raised his eyebrows as Sakura began to speak, noting the whine in her voice. She was obviously completely drunk.

" _Come on, Kakashi! Where the hell are you? I'm your girlfriend, for god's sake! If I tell you to pick me up, you should fucking pick me up right now!"_

Sakura paused and hiccuped. When she spoke again, her tone was lighter.

" _Okay, that wasn't fair. Look, Kakashi, I don't want to pressure you or anything, but I'm kind of….at a club. In a place that's really far away from where I live. With no way to get home. And you're kind of...my boyfriend, whose supposed to pick me up so I don't get mugged or worse. You don't want that, do you, baby? Just be a good boyfriend and pick me up before something bad happens to me. Well…."_

Another giggle, this one more high-pitched.

" _Something bad already happened to me. It's called beer!"_

She burst into loud laughter, as if this was the most clever joke told by any human being in the history of the world. Kakashi rolled his eyes.

" _I'll tell you what,"_ Sakura continued, stifling her laughter. _"You pick me up, we'll go back to your cozy little apartment, and we'll go at it like the world is ending. I won't even make you wear a...thingy. A condo. Yeah, that's what they're called. And we'll do it on your desk, just the way you like it. But before all of that happens, you have to pick me up."_

The message concluded. Kakashi stared at the machine, vaguely annoyed. Apparently Sakura had purchased one of those fancy "cellphones" merely to get drunk, call him in the middle of the night, and leave suggestive messages. He didn't really mind the last portion of that, but the first two things irritated him. He shook his head as the next message began to play.

The third message started out much the same as the other two, with loud music. Then Sakura began to speak, the whine in her voice even stronger.

" _Kakashi, its been thirty damn minutes! Come and pick me up! Wait..."_

Sakura paused. There was silence for a few seconds, then she continued.

" _You know where I am, right? I told you where I was going, didn't I? Because I can't remember. But….I probably did. Probably."_

There was another pause as she struggled to recall if she had indeed told him. But she apparently came to the conclusion that it was useless.

" _Just pick me up! It's getting late and I'm really tired of this place. There's too many horny guys around here. I want to go home and be with the horny guy I actually care about! Pick me up right now and we'll do…...things. Things we'll regret in the morning."_

Kakashi had already done something he regretted in the morning. A year ago, he'd allowed Sakura to stay over at his apartment. There had been words, most of them pertaining to intercourse, between them. Then they'd gone into Kakashi's bedroom and had what was possibly the most awkward sex in the history of mankind. Worst of all, it had concluded with Sakura announcing that she had feelings for him….and he had revealed that he too felt the same way. The regret was overwhelming.

" _Kakashi, I'm drunk. And there are lots of horny guys here. Do you know what that means? Do I have to spell it out for you?"_

Another long, tense pause.

" _I take it back,"_ Sakura continued at last. _"I would never cheat on you. You're...my whole world. Well, you and anmitsu. I LOVE anmitsu. Will you buy me some? You know….AFTER YOU GODDAMN PICK ME UP!"_

The last words were shouted loud enough to drown out the music completely. The message concluded abruptly.

Kakashi was getting worried. Surely Sakura had called Naruto when he didn't respond to her messages. Surely she was safe at home, preparing to beat the living shit out of him because he didn't call her back. Nothing could have happened to her, regardless of how drunk she was. A bit more wary, he waited impatiently for the next message to play.

The fourth message began with laughter. Kakashi recognized Sakura's laugh, but the second one he could not place. After a moment, the laughter thinned and Sakura began speaking.

" _Guess who I ran into?"_

There was the sound of the phone being passed to another person, then a male voice began to speak. It sounded even more drunk than Sakura.

" _Hey, Kakashi! It's Naruto! Bet you're surprised, huh? I came here with Sasuke, but I don't know where he went. I think he left because I made a bad joke...again!"_

Naruto laughed, apparently finding this hilarious.

" _So I can't get home, but that's okay. Sakura tells me you're going to pick us up. Which is really nice of you! But….she's been waiting for about…an hour. And you're still not here, which is bad. You're on your way, right? If you are, please ignore this message."_

There was a shuffling noise as presumably the phone was handed back to Sakura. A few seconds of laughter and Sakura started to talk again.

" _About my last message…. I'm REALLY sorry. Really and truly sorry to deep down in my heart of hearts. You don't have to buy me any anmitsu ever again. I'll just eat something else. Like...ramen. Naruto was telling me about this dream he had about ramen and it sounded really delicious. I mean bad. Delicious and bad. But the good news is, you don't have to buy me anmitsu anymore and I won't get fat."_

Apparently satisfied with this decision, there was a pause as she handed the phone back to Naruto. His voice was the last on the message.

" _Pick us up, okay?"_

The message ended. A feeling of dread was beginning to grow in Kakashi's stomach. Drunk Sakura was bad. Drunk Naruto was a nightmare. Drunk Sakura and Naruto was the end of the world as they knew it. He was almost tempted to unplug the machine and run to Sakura's apartment, but he decided he'd better listen to the remainder of the messages.

The fifth message started with the sound of crying, but it died out quickly. Kakashi could hear Naruto speaking soothingly, but he couldn't hear the exact words. There was a bit of shuffling as the phone was moved, then Sakura spoke.

" _Kakashi, are you coming or not? It's getting late and we need someone to pick us up! If you're not going to come, at least call me back and tell me why! Are you...with some woman? Is that why you're not picking me up? That's not fair, Kakashi! I am twice as sexy as all those flat-chested, pink-haired..."_

A pause.

" _O-Oh god. You're cheating on me, aren't you?"_

Her tone shifted to anger.

" _Tell that whore that if I ever get my hands on her, I'll make her wish she was never born! Only one woman, one woman in this entire world, gets to be bent over the kitchen counter and very awkwardly penetrated by you while you're drunk, and that woman is ME!"_

 _Dear lord,_ Kakashi thought, highly wishing he _had_ thrown the answering machine out the window.

Fortunately, the message ended after this statement. Kakashi waited patiently for the next one, his worry becoming annoyance.

The next message did not begin with any sobbing or laughing, which was reassuring.

" _I'm really sorry!"_ Sakura announced, her voice dramatic. _"I know you wouldn't cheat on me! You're a strong, kind, sexy guy with a huge… thing. Well, it's not huge, but it's...big enough."_

She sighed, the drama leaving her voice. Now she merely sounded drunk.

" _What I'm trying to say is...you have a really big heart, Kakashi. Big enough for me to love. And big enough for you to never cheat on me. And big enough for you to FUCKING PICK ME UP!"_

She inhaled deeply, restraining her anger.

" _Oh, and your man parts are really nice, too."_

Apparently more under control, she spoke in a calmer voice.

" _Kakashi, you have to pick me up. It's almost midnight and me and Naruto are here, at this stupid club, waiting for you. If you don't pick us up soon, things are going to happen. Not sexy things, but...things. Pick us up. Please."_

She hung up, ending the message. Kakashi stared at the answering machine, surprised he'd managed to sleep through all of these messages. But he'd also managed to sleep through Naruto's last ramen dream story, therefore it shouldn't have been too much of a shock. And there were still quite a few messages left, he noticed with a frown. Kakashi climbed out of bed and stood before the machine as the next one played.

" _Kakashi, is that you? Of course it is. I'm pretty sure I called you. Pretty sure. It's either you or Sasuke. I definitely called Sasuke and asked if he would pick us up. If it is Sasuke, disregard this message. And if it's Kakashi, please pick us up! I'm all alone now. Naruto went off with some woman he met and I think they're doing it in the bathroom. I honestly don't give a shit about him anymore. Can you just pick me up? Its been….I don't even know how long! You have to pick me up, Kakashi! What?"_

Sakura's voice became a little distant as she held the phone away from her. She was speaking to someone next to her.

" _She did WHAT? Are you serious?! Hold on… I'm going to… Shut up! I'm talking to him right now, okay?!"_

Sakura's voice was clearer as she returned the phone to its original position.

" _Kakashi, you're not going to believe this! That woman Naruto was with stole his pants and his wallet! Luckily, he still has his underwear. But….no money. And I think those were his favorite pants. You know, the ones he wears every day? You HAVE to pick us up now, Kakashi. Do you really want your beautiful girlfriend to have to stare at Naruto's boxers for the entire night? Pick us up right now so we can go home and forget about this!"_

A shuffling noise, then the message ended.

 _Naruto, you idiot,_ Kakashi summed it up nicely.

The next message started to play. This time Sakura's voice had a bit more echo to it. The music was a lot fainter, as if she'd moved to another room entirely.

" _It's Sakura. Me and Naruto are hiding in the mens' bath-"_

The squeak of a door opening and a shout, most likely from Naruto. After a moment of silence, Sakura continued speaking as if nothing had occurred.

" _We're hiding in the mens' bathroom. It's disgusting. But we have to because we're...kind of in trouble. You know how Naruto isn't wearing any pants? Did I mention that in my last message? Well, he isn't. And some guy threatened to have us thrown out, which would be bad because obviously you have the world's slowest car. So I...um….."_

Nervous laughter. Kakashi tensed, readying himself for the inevitable.

" _I think I broke his nose. All I know is he got really mad and now me and Naruto are hiding in the bathroom. The bathroom is actually a really great place to hide. Did you know that peeing in a urinal is kind of relaxing….and uncomfortable as hell if you don't a penis? I don't think that was my best idea."_

She held the phone away from her again and Kakashi could hear muttering. Whom she was talking to and what she said he couldn't make out. Then she spoke into the phone again, her words even more slurred than they had been previously.

" _Can you come and pick us up before something bad happens? I know I asked you to pick us up before, but now you HAVE to do it, or else we might get….arrested. Or I might get arrested. It wasn't Naruto's fault. I get a little violent sometimes."_

"Sometimes"? Sakura was being extremely lenient with herself. Kakashi grimaced, reflecting on how many times in the past Sakura had gone off at him over something trivial. Usually to do with Make-Out Paradise or his idea of waking up early.

" _We'd be grateful if you'd pick up your attractive, totally aroused girlfriend…..and Naruto. You don't want me to get arrested, right? You've seen those prison movies. There aren't any hair dryers in prison. I'll be completely lost and I'll probably get….I don't know…stabbed with a fork in the shower. Pick us up, Kakashi!"_

Kakashi uttered a low sigh. Sakura really was going to kill him, most likely several times in a row, for not picking her up.

The next message started playing. This time Naruto was the first to speak. The whispering of another voice, presumably Sakura, could be heard in the background. Naruto sounded a bit more sober than his female comrade.

" _Hi, Kakashi. It's Naruto. You need to pick us up sometime in the next fifteen minutes. I think the guy Sakura punched knows where we are. If you don't get here soon, we'll be in real trouble."_

The whispering became louder. Naruto paused, most likely holding the phone away from his face. A hasty exchange passed, inaudible despite the echo. Then Naruto spoke into the phone yet again.

" _Sakura wants me to tell you that she…. Huh?"_

A quick shuffling as the phone was apparently yanked from Naruto's grasp. Then Sakura's voice rang out, so loud that it made Kakashi almost cringe at the distortion.

" _I love you, Kakashi! Oh god, I love you so fucking much! And I don't deserve you at all. What kind of girlfriend am I?! I go out and get drunk and threaten to cheat on you if you don't pick me up… That's why you're not coming, isn't it? Because you've realized I don't deserve you! Oh, Kakashi…!"_

Sakura's words lapsed into miserable wails. She sounded eerily akin to a distressed cat. After a few moments of this, Sakura seemed to get a hold of herself. There was a brief silence, then the message concluded.

Kakashi shook his head, marveling at the type of person Sakura became when intoxicated. If he hadn't left her due to her violent temper, her inability to prepare even a simple meal, her frustrated objections towards his reading material, and her habit of somehow spending three hours in the bathroom, he certainly wasn't going to leave her for any of the things she had mentioned.

The next message began. This time the quiet was far more brief than it had ever been. Sakura began speaking rapidly the moment the message commenced. As she spoke, Kakashi could hear loud shouting in the background.

" _Kakashi, please tell me you're waiting outside! I don't see your car, but you're almost here, right? Oh god, we're in so much trouble! The guy I punched found us in the bathroom. Now him and Naruto are fighting and I'm not sure what to do. Everything has gone a little crazy. So you have to pick us up in the next...five minutes or so!"_

There was the sound of smashing glass. Sakura uttered a horrified gasp. She shouted Naruto's name once, her voice shrill with panic. A woman screamed, then the message ended.

Kakashi examined the readout next to the flashing light. Only two messages remained. He scowled, hoping that Sakura and Naruto had somehow escaped their predicament without his aid. But he had never been a naive man. He dreaded hearing the last two messages, but he also desired to know the end of the story. In the three seconds prior to the penultimate message, he mentally prepared himself as much as was plausible.

This time, the shouting was nearly deafening. Before, Kakashi had had the impression it was two or three people speaking in raised, angry voices. However, this was clearly more than two or three people. It sounded as if every single person in the club was yelling at the top of their lungs, the words indistinguishable in the chaos. This endured on its own for an entire minute, until Sakura's voice spoke, close enough to the phone for it to dominate the cacophony.

" _Kakashi, WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?! Everyone has gone crazy! Naruto accidentally punched some guy whose big as a mountain and everything's gone to shit. We're in real trouble now. I think we're going to be arrested!"_

More sounds of smashing glass, punctuated by women screaming and even louder shouting. Kakashi thought he even heard the sound of a body being thrown against a wall.

" _If you can't rescue Naruto, can you at least rescue ME? I… Wait! One second..."_

She held the phone away from her ear and shouted.

" _Do you mind?! I'm on the phone, you asshole!"_

There was a shout of pain and the sound of splintering wood, near enough to the phone that they were not lost in the cacophony. A moment passed, then Sakura returned to her call.

" _If you can't pick us up, at least call Sasuke and ask him to do it! I tried to call him myself, but he won't answer. Ino and Hinata wouldn't either. You're my last hope, Kakashi! You have to get here soon and rescue me from this fucking madness!"_

She hesitated.

" _Also...I think I just maimed a bunch of shinobi who showed up to break up the riot. Or possibly worse. One of them isn't moving. Should have held myself back a little."_

Her tone shifted from sheepish to panicked. She cried out in surprise, her voice rising over the sounds of a scuffle. Her voice became slightly muffled, her mouth spouting swear words as, Kakashi imagined, the phone was forcibly taken and she was subdued. A slight smile briefly went across his lips as he also heard one or two cries of agony that certainly did not belong to Sakura. But after these had passed, the message ended.

Then came the final message, the one Kakashi had been dreading the most. He knew it couldn't be good. He knew he was going to regret ever purchasing the answering machine _or_ being foolish enough to fall in love with Sakura Haruno. He couldn't even bring himself to look surprised when the final message began to play.

Sakura sounded far less drunk than she had on the previous messages. Regardless, a pounding headache was creeping into her voice as she spoke. She sounded tired, a bit dazed, and already wallowing in regret. There was the slightest of echoes.

" _Let's get this out of the way: I'm in jail. It's cold, it's sad, and I hate it. Naruto is here, too. They put us in a cell together for some reason. I don't care enough to ask why. All I know is that I'm never drinking again. Ever. No more drinking, no more anmitsu, and no more clubs. From now on, I'm Sober Sakura."_

She laughed dourly at the title. Kakashi could imagine two bloodshot eyes, her distinct pink locks unsettled, perhaps a rip in that crimson party dress she often donned, her features laden with the ravages of both strife and alcohol. She sounded rather defeated.

" _I'm not blaming you, Kakashi. You're...Kakashi. You probably had a really good reason for not picking me up. It's all my fault for getting drunk and then getting into trouble. They're keeping us for the entire night, by the way. I'd appreciate it if you'd at least be here early tomorrow morning to give me and Naruto a ride home."_

Kakashi glanced at the clock, his heart sinking. It was not early in the morning. It was sinking deeper and deeper into afternoon. Sakura was going to strangle him. And he could probably forget about any intimacy for the next five months or so. Or perhaps even the next five _years._

The message went on, oblivious to his troubles.

" _Ugh. My head… Bring me a change of clothes, too. And my curling iron. And, if possible, a comfy bed to sleep in."_

A deep sigh from the woman.

" _And some anmitsu."_

The final message ended there. Kakashi stared at the machine, watching the light beside the readout dim as the message counter reset itself to none. He would have unplugged the machine and tossed it out of the window, but he didn't lay a hand on it. So many things seemed hilariously pointless now that he'd heard all those messages. He even contemplated returning to bed and sleeping for the remainder of the day. But he decided he'd better drop by Sakura's department, regardless of the consequences.

 _It was destined to happen at some point,_ he mentally rationalized.

With a sigh on his lips, he strode to his dresser and began to get dressed. He had a long, uncomfortable, painful day off ahead.


End file.
